I feel great
I just peed on a car
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
