I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
