I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he was CRYING into my vagina
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
