the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you have to choose: penises or morals?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
