So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
