My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
