The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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