I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
