so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
