I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
