you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
