Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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