dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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