It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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