You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
