Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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