where am i from again
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
