noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
