Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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