So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
