I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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