He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
