first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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