it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
