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you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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