If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You need a sexual gate keeper
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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