Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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