I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
