Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
