Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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