I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We're not piercing ourselves today.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
