dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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