Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize