He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
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I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?