another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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