I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Shame is for Republicans.
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