The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
