Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
