i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
