I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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