You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
