my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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