Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
