he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
