Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
