Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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