We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
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I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
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Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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