I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
