I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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