so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
