Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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