I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
