How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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