I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
