Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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