Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
