it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
