I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My vagina just clenched in fear
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
