she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
