Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
