those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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