We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
